Key Concepts:
Vocabulary: aggressive, passive, assertive, “I” message, active listening, body language
Communicating Effectively
Communication Styles
Main Idea: There are three types of communication styles.
Do you know someone who’s like Louise, always insisting on doing things her own way? How about someone who’s like Erin, always going along with what other people suggest? These two characters reflect two of the three major styles of communication:
Aggressive. Being aggressive means being overly forceful, pushy, or hostile. It may involve bullying or intimidation. People with an aggressive communication style may not pay attention to others’ thoughts, feelings, or needs.
Passive. Being passive means being unwilling or unable to express thoughts and feelings in a direct or firm manner. This involves putting others’ needs ahead of your own. People may adopt a passive communication style because they dislike conflict and will go out of their way to avoid an argument.
Assertive. Being assertive means expressing your views clearly and respectfully. Assertiveness involves standing up for your rights and beliefs while also respecting those of others. Dealing with a disagreement in an assertive way can involve negotiating with others to find the best solution to the problem.
Using an assertive communication style will improve your relationships with others. It will help ensure that your own needs are met, along with those of other people.
Ways to Communicate
Main Idea: To communicate effectively, you need to learn speaking skills, listening skills, and nonverbal communication.
Communication is a two-way street. It’s not enough just to get your messages across to the other person. You also need to understand the messages being sent to you. This includes both verbal and nonverbal messages.
Speaking Skills
The key to good communication is to say what you mean. It’s not reasonable to expect other people to read your mind or be able to pick up on subtle hints. If something’s on your mind, you need to say what it is. For example, if a friend has hurt your feelings, you need to let that person know as clearly and directly as you can.
Of course, being clear and direct doesn’t mean being disrespectful. When people feel that they are being attacked, they may be less willing to listen. One way to make sure you don’t sound disrespectful when talking about a touchy subject is to use “I” messages. An “I” message is a statement that focuses on your feelings rather than on someone else’s behavior. Using “I” messages helps you communicate your feelings in a positive way without placing blame on someone else. Figure 6.8 gives some examples of “I” messages.
Listening Skills
To communicate effectively, listening is just as important as speaking. You can make sure other people’s messages get through to you by practicing active listening, paying close attention to what someone is saying and communicating. Here are some ways to practice active listening:
Don’t interrupt. Give your full attention to what the speaker is saying.
Show interest. Face the speaker and make eye contact to show that you are paying attention. You can also encourage the speaker by nodding or making comments, such as “I see,” “Go on,” or “I understand,” at appropriate times.
Restate what you hear. Rephrase or summarize the speaker’s words to make sure you understand what you’re hearing.
Ask questions. Asking questions can help you understand what the speaker is saying. It can also help the speaker clarify her own thoughts and feelings.
Show empathy. Let the other person know that you can relate to his feelings. Try not to pass judgment on the speaker’s attitudes and actions.
Nonverbal Communication
Sometimes what you say isn’t as important as how you say it. A comment such as “Nice outfit” can actually sound like an insult if it’s delivered in a sarcastic tone. Your tone of voice is an example of nonverbal communication.
Your body language can also affect the meaning of the messages you send. Body language is nonverbal communication through gestures, facial expressions, behaviors, and posture. It includes everything from nodding, which shows that you agree, to turning away, which shows that you aren’t listening.
Figure 6.9 shows different examples of body language. Sometimes you send messages through body language without even realizing it. If you’re feeling embarrassed, you may look at the ground instead of at the person you’re talking to. In some cases, your body language may even contradict what you’re saying. For instance, saying “I’m fine” in an angry tone will probably make people think you’re anything but fine. Being aware of your body language can help you avoid sending mixed messages that may confuse your listeners.
Offering Useful Feedback
Main Idea: Offering constructive feedback can improve your relationships with others.
Even in a strong relationship, every now and then people say or do things that bother other people. You might have a friend who’s lots of fun to be around, except for the fact that he always interrupts you when you’re talking. If you want your friend to change his behavior, you have to let him know how you feel-but in a way that doesn’t come across as a personal attack. In other words, you need to offer constructive criticism, non-hostile comments that point out problems and encourage improvement.
The goal of constructive criticism is to bring about positive changes. Thus, it’s counterproductive to give it in an aggressive way. Attacking someone isn’t going to encourage him to change. Instead, use “I” messages that focus on the problem, not on the person. To offer constructive criticism, point out a specific problem, explain why it bothers you, and suggest a solution. You might say, “I feel that sometimes my ideas don’t get heard. I would like to finish what I’m saying. Then I’ll be glad to listen to any responses.”
Letting people know how their actions make you feel isn’t something you should do only when there’s a problem. It’s also important to let people know you appreciate what they do for you. If a friend goes out of her way to help you and doesn’t get so much as a “thank you,” she might feel that her actions went unnoticed or unappreciated. Let the people in your life know you value them. Tell your dad how much you enjoyed a meal that he prepared, or compliment a friend on her artistic skills. A little appreciation can go a long way in strengthening a relationship.
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